How you and I can cool down our nation’s hottest conflicts

A friend of mine, brimming with enthusiasm during the Democratic National Convention, emailed me and about 40 other friends. “This election is all about integrity,” he declared to everyone on the email chain, many of whom were Republicans loath to ever vote for a Democrat. He then added that Donald Trump had none, and everyone should vote for Kamala Harris. In milliseconds, a virtual firestorm broke out.
Ordinarily I would ignore such exchanges. But I was procrastinating on another task, and one response caught my eye and ignited my ire, so into the breach I went. After dredging up data and wrapping it in an airtight argument, I shot off an email to the “offending party,” convinced that I had proved him wrong. It did not go well.
He, of course, countered, dredging up different data from different sources and wrapping all of it in his own airtight arguments to prove that I was wrong. Ugh.
Point-counterpoint arguments like these are now a part of our everyday lives, shredding our common bonds and damaging our democracy. Yet we all fall prey to them — including me, despite decades spent studying and intervening in intergroup conflicts.
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It is hard, even for the middle 67% of us, to resist the siren call of a hot conflict — conflicts that ignite those simplistic, reactive responses in our brain’s hot system, bringing us nothing but sorrow. We can spare ourselves and everyone else a lot of pain by learning to shift to our brain’s cool system, where we are more apt to make something good out of conflict. Here’s how.
When feelings of anger or outrage well up within, stop to remind yourself that toxic feelings like these only poison your ability to hear and be heard. Then look, not at the other’s “irrational” personality, but at the pointless point-counterpoint pattern you are together creating. Finally, listen for the sense, not the nonsense, in what the other is saying. And if you can’t find it, use the questions in Jeff Wetzler’s terrific new book Ask until you can.
Examine the thinking behind your views, so you can hold your views without them holding you. Expand your thinking by seeking out information that doesn’t just reinforce your views, but helps you see what you might be missing. Finally, instead of dismissing those on the “other side” as mad or bad, Engage one another to see what you can learn, not just what you can prove.
No one, including you and me, is going to abandon a view after one or two or even three conversations. Hearts and minds only change over time in the context of relationships. Get to know those on the “other side” as people. Find out what they care about. Look for things you have in common. Only then address your differences. And when you do, keep in mind Nelson Mandela’s words: “If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.” That’s how he ended apartheid in South Africa.
Learning to take these steps is hard, especially in the heat of the moment, as my own backsliding shows. But if you keep at it, you will make progress, and that progress will be well worth the effort. And Lord knows, this country we all love could use this kind of effort from We the People right about now.
Diana McLain Smith is author of Remaking the Space Between Us: How Citizens Can Work Together to Build a Better Future For All.
Part of our opinion series The American Middle, this essay gives tips on how to de-escalate political conflict.
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